I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
