Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
