I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
