the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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