My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
