turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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