It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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