Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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