Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
