I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
