did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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