the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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