new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
