I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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