I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
