remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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