Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
