Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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