So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
