Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
