last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
