My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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