I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
