After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
