You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
