You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
