My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
