Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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