plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
