how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
