you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
