I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
