He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
