I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
