***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
love makes seman taste better
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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