she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
