I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
