my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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