My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is Oprah even human
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