I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
