My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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