i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
