No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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