At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
