pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
