thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
