I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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