Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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