You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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