I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
