is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
