Someone shit on the floor
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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